I realize that the title of this missive may put you in mind of the slowest erection ever recorded, since The Government started recording these things in the mid-60’s. But no, that is not the case. Not this time.
As part of my eternal quest to provide everyone with everything they never needed (and also because work today has felt like the equivalent of performing self-trepanation with a filthy dessert spoon from the back of George Michael’s “drugs drawer”) I’d like to share with you some samples from my collection of junk email subject lines.
If you’re a fan of those big boxes of assorted chocolates that every fucking candy company and their mother puts out around this time of year, you’re going to shit yourself in ecstasy. This is going to be just like those, except with cock instead of pralines.
1. Turn your trouser mouse into a one-eyed giant with this brand new medicine
— I have a ‘trouser RAT’, thank you very much. Insulting a potential customer is “bad for business”, Floppyballs.
2. Your short sword could be much longer and win you more s’e_xual battles!
— Everyone knows it’s not the size of the sword, it’s how well you master the Stuck und Bruch.
3. My new guy’s prick is enormous, and my mouth is tiny.
— This highlights the importance of planning any penis-enlargement endeavour very carefully.
4. Your baby-maker needs to be bigger in order to perform its functions well
— Please, don’t refer to my manhood as a “baby-maker”. “Trouser mouse” – fine.
5. Beat her womb with your new big rod, so that she knew who wears the pants!
— As recommended in the book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Get They Wombs Beat”.
6. Have you ever felt a kiss of a womb? With your new big rod you’ll feel it!
— Have you ever felt a kiss of a wombat? They are cute!
Kiss of the womb, or kiss of the wombat? You decide!
7. May i ask why you’re so unhappy with your dick?
— I resent the assumption on your part that I’m unhappy with my dick. Do you know something I don’t?
8. Take a challenge of a penile size competition and win with our wonder-med!cine!
— Why couldn’t I have received this one before my ill-fated entry into the 2006 Mr Cockiverse Pageant?
9. Let your dick become something she will never forget!
— LET my dick become something she’ll never forget?? I ain’t stoppin’ you, Mr Penis. Go to town!
and last, but certainly not least…
10. You surely deserve to be packed with larger dick
— This does not ‘fit in’ well with my sexual preference, but thank you for the compliment.
I hope you’ve enjoyed our time together as much as I have.